Tagged: humour

As most kids were, I too was a curious cat. I always wanted to know how stuff works, why things are the way they are – I still do. Amidst this journey of quenching my curiosity attacks, I have had many many (mis)adventures like most of you too I am sure. Here I share a few that I came into my mind.

I was in fourth standard I believe. My teacher had just taught us about electricity and conductors. Metals are good conductors, wood is a bad conductor and so on and so forth. But I didn’t believe in many things (that was then with no youtube ) unless I do it and see it myself. So I made this amazing action plan to experiment with electricity. I ‘borrowed’ a voltage tester from that sacred brown box in which my dad kept all his tools. This brown box still lies around in my parents’ house with that old red pliers, this same old tester, lot of broken wires and other sorts of junk and metal. Anyway more about the brown box in some other post. I also found a pair of scissors that my mom used in the kitchen. The experiment was to find out whether the scissors could conduct electricity.

Now my experiments had to be systematic and went through with well thought out steps. So I first inserted the tester on to the mains plug, then switched on the plug. Yup, the tester glowed and it was working. Good. Next step: I removed the tester, inserted the scissors in. whaaaa… FAIL!! If you were smart enough you would have noticed that I missed one step, I forgot to switch off the plug before inserting the scissors in. Boom! I don’t think it is easy to put into words what a 230 Volt shock direct through your hands would feel like. It was like two or three wrestlers hitting me on all parts of the body simultaneously with tremendous force. I went blank. Next thing I remembered was my cousin sister, who was baby-sitting me, calling me frantically asking what happened. As I opened my eyes I was lying flat on the floor, some 2 or 3 metres from the scene of the experiment. Well you can’t say the experiment was an utter failure. I did learn what a real power shock means!

Our chemistry lab periods during school was always fun. We all had a lot of fun mixing and matching various chemicals, trying to make a kaleidoscope of patterns and colours in our test-tubes and beakers. Once, we were busy engaged in this activity before the real experiment started and while our teacher was giving us instructions. The guy next to me – Vinod I think – already had the chemicals poured in his test-tube and kept near to the burner; but lost interest in the teacher’s talk and shifted attention to our alternate experiments. While doing so he suddenly turned and asked me what the teacher said last. I opened my mouth to start saying ‘Keep the test-tube away from the flame’, but before that we heard a small pop and the liquid from his test-tube shooting up like a rocket. The experiment created a nice elaborate pattern on the ceiling. There was moment of silence, we were sure this was the end of the world. But everybody else was going about their business, having not noticed anything. Relieved we put on our innocent angels’ masks and continued working. They did notice though, the next week our lab assistant, Madhu Uncle came and told us that these juniors are never careful, look at what they have done to the ceiling. We all nodded our heads struggling to keep the laughter from coming out.

When I entered the corporate world, I used to be proud with these calls I used to get from time to time. “Sir, you have a pre-approved credit card from {insert reputed bank name here}.” Hmm.. So I am someone important to the economic system now. But as experiences were gained these grew from minor annoyances to whenever the phone shows an unknown number – “oh! not again!”. I used to just ignore these calls, picking up and mumbling “Not Interested”.

But off late, I decided to make use of such situations in interesting ways. My friends always seem too busy to call frequently nowadays and my family never really has gotten into the habit of talking long over the phone. So who did I have as an alternative? The credit card girls off course (I say girls because if it is a guy who is calling then the old mumbling is still the norm). So began my experiments and adventures.

One

Caller: Hello sir, do you have a credit card?
Me: Yeah.
Caller: Sir but this is a card from HBHBH bank. It has offers that would make your eyeballs jump out of their sockets.
Me: Hmm. Ok. But I am still not interested.
Caller: But whyyy sirrr?
Me: How did you get my number?
Caller: Database gave it to us sir.
Me: Which database? I haven’t registered in any database.
Caller: No sir. I can see your number here.
Me: Ok, miss then can you tell me what my name is.
Caller: Er.. Sorry sir, they have not mentioned your name.
Me: What?? They just provided you with a list of numbers without names?? You want a list then I can give you one too. What are the rates of your provider?
Beep. Call disconnected.

Two

Caller: Hello sir, this is a call from GCEB bank regarding credit cards.
Me: What’s your name?
Caller: Thoolika sir. (Nice name .. dilemma.. should I flirt or talk stern? Hmm.. voice doesn’t sound good, so stern is the go again.)
Me: Are you calling from GCEB bank?
Caller: Off course!
Me: But I work for the HR dept. in GCEB bank. I know for sure that we don’t do direct phone call marketing.
Caller: Actually sir, it came from Database. We are calling from an agency.
Me: Can I speak to your manager?
Caller: No sir.
Me: Why not? If I don’t speak to your manager, I’m going to register a complaint.
Caller: Sorry sir, we work without managers. (I wonder if their agency is hiring)
Beep. Call disconnected.

Three

Caller: Hello sir, I’m calling from RAH bank regarding credit cards.
Me: Are you from an agency?
Caller: No sir, I’m calling from the bank.
Me: Can I speak to your manager
Caller: Sorry for disturbing you sir. Thank y..
Me: If you disconnect now, I’m going to sue you.
Caller: Er. Er.. Just a minute sir, I’ll get my manager.
Manager: Hi sir. This is Priyanka.
Me: How did you get my number?
Manager: Sir its in our database sir.
Me: Whose database?
Manager: HBHBH bank sir.
Me: But your colleague said you were calling from RAH bank?
Manager: Er sir.. er.
Beep. Call disconnect.

If only I could catch hold of Mr. Database one day. Who the hell is he to blurt out my personal details to every Tom, Dick, Priyanka and Thoolika about my personal details?

Some of my friends tell me they are only doing their job. Well I respect that. But if you choose a job like this, taunts such as these come as occupational hazards. Call me a cruel pig, but I value my privacy. As far as I am concerned my mobile phone is for me to communicate on things relevant to me. But well, if you encroach… well I have my right to have some fun.

So if you are the next credit card girl who is going to call me, we’ll strike a deal – go out for dinner that day and I’ll definitely subscribe to the card of your choice. Dinner’s on you, though!

A few weeks ago one of my German friends, Juergen had come over to India. I spend a few days driving him around and showing him places. Well as for any foreigner it did take a while for him to trust the way we drive – it progressed from a scary horror thriller to ‘I don’t know how, but I won’t get hurt’. He used to even call me ‘hell-raiser’ when it comes to driving, even though that upped my ego a bit, I don’t think I am that good . One of the things he was confused from day one and something that he never quite got used to is our seemingly random honking. He used to ask me, last time when we went on this road you honked at least once every 5 seconds, but now you didn’t honk for an hour – why? Well he hasn’t quite caught up to the method in all the chaos and I see that there is no authentic guide to honking in India, anywhere on the net. So I have decided to take up the challenge and here you have it.

1. Presence Honking
This particular type of honk is usually of short amplitude and used with high frequency. It is a very polite way of telling the others on the road that you are ‘there’. It is kind of like an animal marking his or her territory. The meaning of it varies with the size of the vehicle too. If it is a bus that is using it, it means – if you cross my path you are dead. If its a motorbike – if you cross my path I am dead. All other variants come in between.

2. What-the-****-are-you-doing Honking
This is a rather impolite but effective way of abusing your fellow road users. It is second in frequency only to Presence honking. Using it always gives a boost to your ego, declaring it yourself to the people around you, that you know everything there is to know, when it comes to driving. This is best done in short bursts of very high loudness and honk-length.

3. Traffic-Light Honking
This is used in many different scenarios at the traffic light. One use is when you think that the person in front of you is blind and has not started moving yet when there is only 5 seconds to go for the light to turn green. Another is rather supernatural or spiritual. It is based on the belief that if you honk a few times, the red light will turn to green faster. It doesn’t harm you to try it does it?

4. The Enquiry Honk
This is even more polite than variant 1. A very polite way to enquire whether you get the right of way. It is used while you try to overtake or is not sure who has the right of way in an intersection. The answers you get and the manner in which you get them can be very varied. You must have the presence of mind to choose the appropriate path of action very quickly or alas you are again dead.

5. The Pointless Honk
Ok, this happens usually when you are annoyed with your boss, or had a quarrel with your wife. You use this horn to vent out your inner troubles. But be very careful as to when you use this. If timing is wrong this type of honking can be easily mistaken for any of the above four variants and cause unexpected page faults. (sorry had to put in a Com. Sci. PJ in somewhere )

Yup, that would have prepared you a bit to take on the roads in India. Now all you need is quite a huge amount of courage and a lot of luck. All the best!

PS: Hell.. they should start giving out PhDs for driving in India. It has so much of science and art in it!

Inspired by Indexed

Multitasking can be a good thing, but not always…

A few days ago me and this girl I know were having a discussion about her singing, over email. I had sent a not so positive review of her skills, and the poor thing was drafting a “spicy” reply to me. Suddenly she receives a phone call from her colleague. The colleague asks her to inform their Project Manager (a German) that she would not be coming to office. You see Microsoft Outlook is a great app, you can type someone’s name on the CC field and you are able to view their office extension from this. So this resourceful friend of mine uses this shortcut to get her PMs number. All is well till now. But the poor thing presses Ctrl-Enter on the keyboard. Another great thing about Outlook is that the mail is sent instantaneously using this shortcut key combination. So this mail comes to me, with a cc to her PM. Unfortunately, the first line in the email read something like this – “@$##!@#!$%^%$^#$#@%@^@#$!@$#%”. I can only imagine that chilling feeling that went through her mind. But yeah he was a sport and didn’t mind too much getting this as his first mail for the day and luckily all other expletives used were in Malayalam a language I am pretty sure he doesn’t understand hehe.

Why did I put this up here? Well I was bored… and wanted to beware you of Outlook, it plays tricks on you, especially when you are multitasking

Oh and by the way : Happy new year folks!

Names of people involved purposefully removed to avoid vandalism to poor old rusty

My hair grew too long. Yeah that sort of thing happens in life. But the bad part is hair cuts in Germany are billed in Euros – to be precise 15 euros + 2 euros tip to the barber.

Now lets refresh some high school mathematics: 17 Euro = 17 * 57 = 969 Indian Rupees. Hair cuts in India are billed in Rupees – to be precise 20 Rs. + 0 Rs tip to the barber. That means with 969 Rs., I can cut my hair for 969 / 20 = 48 times. Lets say I cut my hair once in 2 months. So that is worth 8 years of hair cutting money that I gave for doing it one time in Germany. Well that puts it into perspective, doesn’t it?

Lessons learnt? 1: Germany is sehr expensive. 2: Don’t convert money. 3: If you can’t resist converting, grow long hair!